This week on RAW Is AJ:
First we’ve got to get the ten-minute fart that was the John Cena promo from last Monday night. So basically he collected from the couple minutes’ worth of Star Wars quotes that he’s gathered from YouTube and morning radio show DJs just enough knowledge to stumble through the most generic Star Wars basics, such as the fact that Star Wars was a movie that existed, and that many of its characters talked funny and said things about a force or something. He had no idea how badly he was dissing Brodus Clay by comparing him to Jar Jar Binks, or he didn’t care. But really that whole speech turned out to be about him, as much of what Cena on the mic about seems to be, and it took Chris Jericho breaking the walls down in return after suspension for anti-Brazilianism to take Cena out of what could have been another hour of laughing at his own Yoda impression.
Cena’s gotten “you can’t wrestle” chants from jerkwads when he damn well can and he gets ragged on by those same older fans who get their kicks from screwing with kids, but Monday was a healthy reminder that the mixed reactions Cena gets aren’t just because of haters picking on the guy on top. This sort of thing, John, is why you get booed.
Cena’s excuse for bothering to care about championships again is flimsy (it’s really important that Big Show not become champion, even though for most of his career Show has done a good job of that on his own), but it’s okay ’cause I’m feeling Cena, Jericho, Show, and Kane as a headliner Money in the Bank match, as officially announced by Vickie Guerrero who Cena insulted as usual even though she gave him pretty much what he wanted. Whatever.
It’s not clear yet whether more participants are due to be added, and I guess we’ll get some hints tonight. A quick Wikipedia check indicates WWE’s other options might be limited. Rey Mysterio may or may not be on his way back from injury, and The Miz may get a break from b-movie duty, but Edge is happily retired, Batista seems in no particular hurry to come back, Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus are ocupado with each other, and Randy Orton‘s suspension isn’t up until a few weeks after MOTB. I’ll eat my hat–hell, I’ll eat yours too–if The Rock comes back for an off-month Pay-Per-View with little hype to work an intense main event he’d have to share with four or five other guys. Similarly I’d assume they’d wait until a bigger PPV like Summerslam to bring The Undertaker back, and I pray they know better than to try to get Mick Foley or Kevin Nash or, uh, Bob Backlund? out of the mothballs again.
Teddy Long is this week’s general manager for RAW and Smackdown but I think we can all agree that it’s really AJ who’s running the show. Last Monday she caused a distraction a great quick-paced triple threat elimination match between Kane, CM Punk, and Daniel Bryan. and she was announced on Smackdown as special guest referee of Money in the Bank’s WWE Championship match between Bryan and Punk. She’s also finally dipping her toes back into in-ring competition herself for the first time in a while, winning one of those ridiculous under-the-rope Battles Royale on last week’s RAW (earning Vickie G.’s wrath) and losing to Layla and her horrible new music on Smackdown with distraction from a vengeful Bryan.
Triple H punched Paul Heyman last week, because H isn’t all that good with problems that he can’t solve by punching them. Heyman will probably be back, and Brock Lesnar may show up via satellite, but it’s still a while until Summerslam so we’ll be burning through this storyline pretty slowly.
Smackdown featured a set of qualifying matches for the Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank match, and so qualifiers so far include Damien Sandow, Santino Marella, Christian, Tensai, and Tyson freakin’ Kidd! Kidd is so good and has been so unappreciated that an exclamation point is absolutely called for. Some or all of these guys should be around tonight. So might Jack Swagger, who has been sadfacing all over the place during his recent losing streak, most recently against Kidd in their MOTB qualifier.
Oh and Heath Slater, whose segments have quietly become must-watch trainwrecks, may get his ass kicked by another old-school star. After Vader, Cyndi Lauper, and then Sycho Sid, there are plenty of rumors out there as to which blast from the past is showing up tonight to shut the One Man Band’s concert down early. Just for kicks, here’s Sid’s return to RAW last week:
See ya tonight at 9:00 PM EST!
PHOTO CREDIT – WWE
TweetRicardo Arona Noboru Asahi Marcus Aurelio Mikhail Avetisyan Luiz Azeredo
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